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Who is this Rogue?

The Question:

Shortly thereafter, a party of Utes turned up with evidence of a heinous crime. An intrepid reporter from Harpers Weekly ventured back into the mountains to discover what happened. Our man was arrested and charged. As word spread, people flocked to witness his trial, but the local town fathers, fearful of their community's reputation and anxious to put the notoriety behind them, engineered his escape.

Years later, a Republican group in Denver formed a club in his name. They commemorated his deed by requiring that each new member pledge to eliminate five New Deal Democrats.

The Answer:

Alferd Packer, Colorado's infamous cannibal, crushed the skulls of his party with an axe, then consumed various portions of their bodies to provide the strength to return to civilization. Ten years after his escape while awaiting trial, he was captured in Wyoming and returned to Lake City to meet justice.

Packer was convicted and in one version of the legend, the judge declared,"I sentence you to be hanged by the neck until you are dead, you man eating son of a bitch. There was only seven Democrats in Hinsdale County and you done ate five of them."

The fickle hand of fate intervened. During his time on the lamb, Colorado attained statehood. The Supreme Court reversed the verdict of the lower state court on the technicality that Colorado was not a state when the crime was committed and therefore the court had no jurisdiction.

Eventually Packer was retried for manslaughter and sentenced for life. But a crusading reporter for one of the Denver tabloids took up his cause 15 years later. Polly Pry insisted that the Governor pardon Packer, finally intimidating him into action by running stories of other murderers and rapists the Governor had released.

Today a monument to Alferd Packer's victims stands at the foot of Slugmullion Pass outside Lake City, Colorado. Wendy and Kimberly Spurr have compiled Alferd Packer's High Protein Cookbook featuring recipes for a well-balanced diet, inspired by this man rumored to have a keen eye for meat. Thanks to Centennial Publications for permission to draw on this material.

The Winners:

Congratulations and two bags of GORP to Emily who delivered the correct answer nine hours ahead of the next closest competitor.

Twenty nine people knew our rogue altogether, though the majority cannot keep their e's and r's in order. Turns out the University of Colorado cafeteria is named after Alferd, and many of our respondees have dined under the chef's motto: "Serving our fellow man since 1873!"

Honorable Mention and a bag of GORP to those imaginative answers from the following. (Note the editors disclaim all responsibility for any political views expressed therein.)

Geoff - who says "Porkchop" Packer had eaten too much GORP and oatmeal while on the trail and needed a change of pace.

Mark - who claims the man is H. Ross Perot Sr. His crime was to attempt to reform the political system of the Colorado area in the late 1800's. Although his crime was not punishable by death, he was forced to move out of the Colorado territory. His grandson has been spotted several times in Texas, attempting the same heinous crimes.

David - who thinks Alferd was sent back in time by George Bush to eat the only 5 Democrats in Lake County, Colorado. Numma. George was hoping that there would be fewer democrats during the 1992 election. David also recommends the Packer Burger at the University of Colorado Student Union Grill - the meat is cloned from cells recovered from Al's grave.

Mary Jeanne Packer - who swears her long lost uncle did not pass his taste for a fine cut down through the generations.

Fred - who says try AltaVista - colorado +cannibal +1873 ... third hit = Our man Alferd!

Tom - who says what is not so well-known is that Alferd's great-grandson, who never forgot his cannibal roots, went on to seek the 1996 Republican Presidential Nomination. We'll leave the rest of Tom's message to YOUR imagination; after all, this is not a political column.

Ulrik - how does a guy from Sweden know Alferd Packer?

Jethro - who really devoted some thought to this one. He concludes our rogue is no other than Robert Dole, and his dastardly act was nothing less than murder in the first degree. Here's Jethro's version of events.

It was an election year, 1873. Dole, being from a small town, was only 5 votes short of becoming town chairperson, the most respected position in the town, next to the mayor and the head chairperson. Dole needed five votes, or he needed to get rid of five voters. The latter is what he chose.

That is when the plan began to form in his head. Dole thought, "If I get rid of five right wingers, I can seal my victory. But how, how can I do it...?". Then it came to him.

Leading a bunch of right wing green horns into the mountains one afternoon, he ventured out past the sign that said "Do not Pass, there is Eminant Danger Ahead". Dole (a very burly man then), laughed to himself and pressed onward. As they neared the "cliff of no return," Dole, sweating from the long trek up the mountain slowed, leaving the five green horns to fend for themselves. They passed him, singing the old democratic song that went "We are Democratic and were on the road to a better life ... ,' in a hurry to get to the gold. Dole, only 23 years old then, had a little trick up his sleeve. And what a trick it was ...you see Dole was a man of knowledge, knowledge of the human brain that is. He pondered the plan once again, and while he pondered it, he began to smile, a hideous smile, for in those days Dole was known for his hideous smile.

As they neared the edge of the 'cliff of no return', Dole burst forward with lightening speed, smashing the five right wingers over the edge of the canyon. It was a glorious moment for Dole, for he had sealed his victory, "Never again will I be the town chairperson assistant" he sang all the way down the mountain.

Years later Dole formed a republican group called the Dolinians and forced them to take the sacred pledge as he had himself taken so many years ago, to rid the world of five right wingers.

This is the saga of what happened one fateful night in 1873.